Life goes on

Another grueling day... although it did have a few nice minutes... a man I had never seen before complimented me on my hair (its long, dark strawberry blonde)... one of our delivery guys, the one I absolutely adore, told me I was very sexy...he's such a sweetheart, too bad he's married (to a psycho).
I got out of bed at 10 pm Sunday night, and have had 6 hours sleep since then... it's now 5:12 pm Wednesday... I am going to bed soon, and not getting up until I have to in the morning! (I have to be back at the store by 6 am)

During the first few years R and I were seperated, I dated a married man... (I know, I know, don't tell me...) which actually worked out well for me... I was crazy about him, but there were no strings... anyway, he is working in the oilfield in Amarillo for a few weeks, and even though I haven't talked to him in a couple of years, he called to say he missed me... and ask if he could stop by when he gets back... I really knew I should say no, but I didn't... I said we'll see, LOL...

That guy who has been coming into the store and flirting (DC) came in twice today... he has got to be the hottest guy I have seen in years:gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair short, with a bit of natural curl, goatee, great smile...he's a big beefy guy, although he's only about 5'9", his chest and shoulders are big enough I probably couldn't even get my arms around them...LOL ... he makes me weak in the knees just walking in the door...LOL... he is the one I am hoping asks me out...I asked my brother in law, the undersheriff if they had had any dealings with him at work and he said no... yeah! The last guy that asked me out had a rap sheet a mile long...

Haven't heard from Hawk, no surprise there... The whole Hawk thing is going to be just fine, as long as he doesn't call me... hearing his voice will make me have to deal with it... until then, I am just not thinking about it...life goes on...

Well, thats about it for my day, I guess... I'm going to bed now... nite all...

You know, I was thinking...

I have always had very low self esteem, triggered by the fact that I was always teased, and made fun of growing up... I think that someone so intelligent, and powerful and sexy like Hawk showing interest in me was an ego boost... but being treated like he treats me is not... I wonder if he saw my weak self esteem and played on it... he is one to love playing with people's heads, just because he can get away with it without most people even knowing it... hmmm... one more reason to get out now...

A plan... but can I stick to it???

I have a friend at work (well, we are starting to be friends) who has a guy that treats her almost as bad as Hawk treats me. I think that we both deserve better, but we both hate being alone, and we are both scared to let go of what we have...even if it's not ideal...
(You would just have to understand that there are only about 2,500 people in this whole county, 60% of whom are over 65, and most of the remaining 40% are married, or kids. There are actually more cows in the county than people.)
BUT... I am going to suggest to her that we both get brave, and stand up for what we need, and if we both end up alone, we can be each other's support system...
Another thing about Hick County... all women who go into the only bar in the county are labeled "low-life"... and the ones that go in alone are labeled trash by the low-lifes....LOL... (we are, by the way, a dry county, no alcohol over 3.2 beer is sold in this county) AND, since that is the only place to go in the county for any kind of social life, and neither of us can afford to go out of the county much, maybe we can go out together... no chance of finding anyone else sitting at home....
(I am really hoping that guy that has been coming into the store that I mentioned in an earlier post asks me out... LOL)

Time to move on?

Thanks, Patrick H. - I posted that song to my other blog (here) which is the one that I put lots of poems and songs just for my relationship with Hawk on... it is a perfect fit... There is another guy that has been coming around the store lately to talk to me... I think if he asks me out I will go, and just try to get past the whole Hawk thing once and for all... I seem to be more miserable when we are supposed to be getting along than I am when I go for months without seeing him... that should tell me something, I guess... the hard part is saying no when Hawk does call... and yes, I have said this before, and what did I do?? I said yes to him ...again... *sigh*

No surprise...

If you have read any of the history between Hawk and I,(see "this" and maybe read through the history of my other blog, here) it will not surprise you to find out that even though he was supposed to pick me up so we could spend time together this weekend, he didn't call until 3:30 am... I had no baby sitter until 6am, he told me to call thim back at 6 am, and I have been trying for 5 1/2 hours, but his phone is off the hook... It is always either exactly the way he wants it or not at all... maybe I will hear from him today, and maybe I won't... knowing Hawk, it may be 6 weeks before I hear from him again... that is the way it always works with him...(I told my friend the other day Hawk is just an addiction for me... even after months, I can't seem to say no... maybe if I could find a real man that would treat me better I could let go...)

Meanwhile back at the farm....

Spent a few hours at Hawk's place yesterday with him and his daughter. (she is 15 I think...) It was so great to be there...

We did get a little time together, watching TV in our favorite position... Me sitting on the floor between his feet, my arms casually, loosely wrapped around his leg below the knee, and my head on his lap, with his fingers running through my hair...Watching the history Wings channel, and discussing the shows we were watching...
At one point while his daughter was doing homework in her room, I got up on my knees, and he reached out and lightly pinched my nipples through my shirt, pinching larder, and harder, and harder.... I was instantly hot, and wet, and weak all over... He growled that low, throaty growl I love, and smiled wickedly... "Yes,Baby girl, it is good to have you back where you belong, I have missed you indeed."

It is soooo good to be back... I can't wait until we have some real time alone together...

Hawk returns

Hawk and I finally connected... Talked for quite a while on the phone. It was so great hearing his voice... Catching up on all the stuff that's been going on in his world... Said he had left me alone for the last few months because of R... Didn't want to influence my decision about the marriage... Although he was relieved to hear I had decided to file for divorce..
God I have missed him... Not a day (maybe not even an hour) goes by that I don't think about him... Things I'd like to tell him about, things I'd like to hear his opinion on, just hanging out watching movies, or playing pool together... Or just *playing* together...HeHe
We have sat up all night before just having long deep conversations about history, and literature, and politics... His IQ is in the genius range, and his intelligence is what attracts me the most to him... Of course the fact that he is 6"4", 230 and has the most intense blue eyes I've ever seen are pluses too...LOL...
I took R to work this morning (30 miles away) so I could stop by the place that Hawk fuels up every morning before going out on his route. Seeing him again was wonderful... Still makes me weak in the knees...I get off work at 8 am Saturday and don't go back until midnight Sunday night, and it looks like we may spend that time together...
Looks like this blog may be getting a bit more interesting...

Update

WOW... wish I could get that many replies to all my entries (as the previous entry)....lol
Guess I owe depech_mode970 one....LOL

Hawk finally left me a message... seems his computer is down, he was on someone elses, I guess... told me he misses me too... hmm... you'd think I'd get off this "Hawk's Roller Coaster" sooner or later... truth is, i don't want to, I guess... when He and I are together it is absolutely perfect... ABSOLUTELY..... it only sucks the other 10 months of the year.... no other man has been what I want because they all get compared to Hawk....

Worked 16 hours yesterday, 11 today, at least 10 tomorrow.... and I'm sicker than a dog... horrible racking cough, hot and then cold and then hot again... weak... sinus congestion... the whole 9 yards... in this business, especially when you are management, and your store is short handed, there is no calling in sick... the only excusable call is calling in dead...

GRRRR!!!!!

AAAAGGGHHH!!!!!
Sometimes I meet people online that are SOOOO ignorant, and close minded!!
Check out this conversation....

depech_mode970 (10:26:20 AM): hello there
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:26:37 AM): Hello
depech_mode970 (10:26:46 AM): how r u?
depech_mode970 (10:26:49 AM):
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:27:01 AM): fine. Thank you.
depech_mode970 (10:27:15 AM): Thomas hoffman
depech_mode970 (10:27:18 AM): nice meeting u
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:27:31 AM): Nice to meet you, too.
depech_mode970 (10:28:00 AM): so ur name is anne?
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:28:17 AM): Does it say that on my profile?
depech_mode970 (10:28:38 AM): well many put many things so i dont know what should i believe
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:28:58 AM): Ann is my middle name. Amethyst will do just fine.
depech_mode970 (10:29:42 AM): so may i ask u something?
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:29:53 AM): You can always ask...
depech_mode970 (10:30:14 AM): well do u believe in those things for real submissive ..etc?
depech_mode970 (10:30:21 AM):
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:30:22 AM): Yes.
depech_mode970 (10:30:27 AM): actually im an engineer
depech_mode970 (10:30:39 AM): so i find it is hard to believe only in material things
depech_mode970 (10:30:44 AM): things i can touch it
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:31:18 AM): I sometimes believe more in things I cannot touch, than those that I can touch.
depech_mode970 (10:31:47 AM): what is ur job?
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:32:05 AM): I am an assistant manager in a store.
depech_mode970 (10:32:46 AM): so u did go in those stuff darkness ..etc
depech_mode970 (10:33:14 AM): i wonder about those things cos i never have them here
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:33:45 AM): What do you mean by "darkness"?
depech_mode970 (10:34:18 AM): well this weird world of those ppl
depech_mode970 (10:34:25 AM): who love those obnormal stuff
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:35:34 AM): People that live the D/s lifestyle are normal, ordinary people. We just have a different way of living out our romantic relationships. Not all D/s people are into the BDSM (whips, chains, ropes etc.)
depech_mode970 (10:35:35 AM): i just feel im in a horro movie right now
depech_mode970 (10:36:10 AM): well i know that every body of us have it is own fantasy
depech_mode970 (10:36:19 AM): i cant denay that
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:36:23 AM): Have you ever seen the television show "Little House on the Prairie"?
depech_mode970 (10:36:51 AM): no im sorry i told u im a dutch and dont have much time to watch tv cos im busy with my work
depech_mode970 (10:36:56 AM):
depech_mode970 (10:37:01 AM): what about it?
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:37:05 AM): You didn't tell me that.
depech_mode970 (10:37:24 AM): thomas hoffman i told u im in amsterdam
depech_mode970 (10:37:28 AM):
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:37:59 AM): It is basically a D/s relationship. All D/s means is that one partner (usually the male) is the "head of household", and the other "subissive" partner obeys. It's not always even a sexual thing.
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:38:15 AM): You told me your name, but not where you were from.
depech_mode970 (10:38:37 AM): ok what ur husband tell u and u would obey?
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:39:06 AM): If I had a husband, and he was someone that was extremely intelligent, and trustworthy, yes.
depech_mode970 (10:39:28 AM): well i understand that ur master is not ur hubby
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:39:46 AM): I do not have a Master or a Hubby right now.
depech_mode970 (10:40:02 AM): hummm then ?
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:40:23 AM): I am not looking for one either.
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:40:47 AM): Thats why my profile says "single, not looking".
depech_mode970 (10:41:13 AM): well im not into those things master and submissive cos actually i feel it is very silly
depech_mode970 (10:41:20 AM): sorry but this is the way i think
depech_mode970 (10:41:23 AM):
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:41:48 AM): In the 50's,and before, all American households were D/s relationships.... Men were always the head of the household.
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:41:57 AM): That is all that D/s is.
depech_mode970 (10:42:19 AM): im 34
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:42:22 AM): Some people bring other things into it, like BDSM.... But that is BDSM, not D/s.
depech_mode970 (10:42:22 AM): and u r 37
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:42:32 AM): And your point is...?
depech_mode970 (10:43:08 AM): u still have all the life in front of u it is very big waste to lose it with those bdsm or ds or bbc or cnn
depech_mode970 (10:43:12 AM):
depech_mode970 (10:43:30 AM): get a life
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:43:55 AM): Men in general are a waste of time. THat is why my profile says "single, not looking". Mainly because all men now are selfish, childish, untrustworthy.
depech_mode970 (10:44:12 AM):
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:44:14 AM): I have not met one single man in years that I would trust.
depech_mode970 (10:44:32 AM): well when u would get a normal life
depech_mode970 (10:44:37 AM): u would find 100s
depech_mode970 (10:44:49 AM): just leave those silly stuff
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:44:54 AM): I have a normal life. I work 70 hours a week in a store, I have two kids, I go to church almost every Sunday.
depech_mode970 (10:44:54 AM): and live normal life
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:45:09 AM): I do not date, I do not socialize, I do not drink (usually).
depech_mode970 (10:45:15 AM): i wish that would be out side and inside
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:45:40 AM): I just feel that the Bible is right. Men should be the head of the households.
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:45:46 AM): God laid that plan out, not me.
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:46:05 AM): In the bible God made man the head of the woman.
depech_mode970 (10:46:19 AM): i mean u believe it and do as that and u try to focus on ur kids and ur life u still young go and find a good man who u can fall in love with and live like any other woman
depech_mode970 (10:46:28 AM): well they share the life
depech_mode970 (10:46:31 AM): no head
depech_mode970 (10:46:38 AM): he is the leader
depech_mode970 (10:46:43 AM): but not master and slave
depech_mode970 (10:46:49 AM):
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:46:53 AM): If I met a man who is worthy of my time, I would. Believe it or not, women don't have to have a man in their life to survive.
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:47:05 AM): I am no ones slave.
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:47:16 AM): I do not wait hand and foot on anyone.
depech_mode970 (10:47:19 AM): it is not a matter of survive it is a matter of the nature
depech_mode970 (10:47:31 AM): a man live with a woman
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:47:35 AM): Women only need men to create children. I have done that.
depech_mode970 (10:47:36 AM): we r human
depech_mode970 (10:47:42 AM): huh
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:47:46 AM): I like my life as it is. Why change it?
depech_mode970 (10:47:46 AM): good for u
depech_mode970 (10:47:52 AM): as u wish
depech_mode970 (10:47:55 AM): keep like that
depech_mode970 (10:48:01 AM): but please do one thing
lady_amethyst_hawke (10:48:27 AM): Im waiting......
depech_mode970 (10:48:48 AM): just dont teach ur kids what do u believe let them live normal life , good luck
depech_mode970 (10:48:51 AM):


He thinks I am going to teach BDSM to my children??? Submission(in it's basic form), to me, boils down to a woman trusting her man completely and letting him be the "final say", after they discuss things. A woman submitting to her man. D/s is totally seperate from BDSM, to me, although BDSM is included in addition to the D/s in many relationships. Does that make any sense? I would not teach my children anything sexual, other than abstinance until they are mature enough to handle a sexual relationship. That is for them to decide when they are old enough. (Lauren is old enough at 18, obviously, but Isaiah is just 6). Yes, the kinky stuff is fun. But that does not affect the rest of my life... and it is not the first criteria that I look for in a man! If I could find a man who is mature, trustworthy, extremely intelligent and responsible, but not kinky, that would be fine for me! There are no single men out there, however, who fit the criteria. Hence, the Single Not Looking... LOL.
I see "submission" on my Yahoo profile, not BDSM....(check it out here) Where does this guy come off attacking me!?!?!
I know, people like that don't matter, and overall I think it's pretty funny... although I do feel sorry for people who are so closed minded they have to judge others....

Living my own life

It's nice to know I have support out there somewhere...LOL
I think it would be easier if I had friends. Just about every woman in this tiny town is the minivan driving soccer mom married kind. The ones I have nothing at all in common with....LOL I guess if I can just keep up these 60 hour weeks at work I won't have the energy to worry about it.
Stewart (see HERE) has been in every morning for the last couple of weeks, still trying to get me to what he calls have a "rondevous" with him in some motel... Or at his house... Now he even has the guys he works with in on it... Why can't some guys take no for an answer?? He doesn't want ME, he's gone through all the willing women where he lives and just needs another notch on his bedpost...
ANYWAY... Guess we are doing this divorce thing ourselves... Nothing to haggle over, we agree on everything, and its much cheaper... I will go down to the courthouse and pick up the papers to start filling out on Thursday... I'm going to try to buy my sister's house. She has been there about a year and a half, her payments are only $179 a month (house prices here are unbelievably low, ours was only $10,000 and hers was only $19,000) and R will keep the one we own, because he has torn out the walls to re-sheetrock and hasn't finished and there are lots of other things that need fixing. I don't know if I will be able to by the house or not, but I hope so. Isaiah will live with me, Lauren will probably want to live here with R... but R will be in the same town, so Isaiah can see him a lot.

About the Hawk thing... I have to admit, I did send him an offline message yesterday... Don't know whether he will answer me or not...
Living alone wouldn't be so bad if I really was alone, but Isaiah is only 6 and I will be pretty much the only one taking care of him... that and juggling my hectic round the clock job might be more than I can handle...
I guess I have really never been alone, so I don't know what it's going to be like... I went right from my mom's house to R's house, and the whole 5 years we were separated he was always here, no matter where I moved, he'd be there... So this time, I might get to figure out what being alone really means... Wow, living my own life, what is that like???

Not so shocking news...

Well, I suppose it was bound to happen. R and I are filing for divorce. We have been trying too hard to pretend that things are fine, when they just aren't.
Judging by the men that were attracted to me during our seperation, I will be alone forever (LOL) but that way I can live the way I need to, for me, and not trying to always live someone else's life. It was wearing me out trying to live my life to make sure R is always happy...
At my sister's wedding today, I looked around at the men at the wedding, and I looked at R, and he embarrassed me... he's just not ... something... I don't know what it is... hes not responsible, he has no confidence whatsoever, he has no ambition, no drive... I always tell people if he was anymore laid back he'd be dead... I want to be with a man I can respect....
I think maybe I just need to be by myself... maybe I was meant to be alone... whatever, I just know that R is not what I need, no matter how hard I try to fit that mold I just don't...

Same 'ol same 'ol.....

Well, my hard work has paid off. Wednesday afternoon the district manager announced that I have been promoted to Assistant Manager. There are two people that have been there longer that are probably ticked... I love it...LOL...

Meanwhile, at home things are not so good. Rick has an old car parked on someone else's property, and they have been threatening to call the police if he doesn't come get it (he keeps putting it off). He still pays rent on a house in the town where he works, even though there is no gas or electric, because he just never *gets around to* cleaning all his junk out of it... My dining room is full of boxes of his junk... He is really testing my nerves... Not to mention the fact that after one great night he's back to falling asleep in the chair and not coming to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning... Long after I'm sound asleep...*sigh*... Oh well, this relationship has been good for my work life...LOL

My sister is getting married on Sunday. The service will be in her fiance's parents living room, with a "cowboy" theme... Which is cool, we all get to wear jeans...LOL The perfect couple will finally be official...

That old *Hawke urge* has been flaring up in a major way this week. He is the only one I have ever been able to lean on, the only one who would ever take over for me, and just let me follow... that is probably why I miss him the most when I am overwhelmed with life... his farm was always *the great escape*...(maybe the little girl in me still wants to curl up in daddy's lap and let him protect her...)

And the beat goes on....

I have been working so much... and trying to keep everything from falling apart at home... I am almost numb, with emotional and physical exhaustion. I just wish I had someone I could lean on for awhile, instead of being the one everyone leans on...

Yadda, Yadda

A reply for the comment on the last entry: I do love him. It's respect I lack.

The last week has been extremely trying. I finally went in yesterday, told the acting manager I am quitting. She panicked, and we talked. I was told (although I will believe it when I see it) that the problems will be cleared up. I told them I was tired of being used to take up the slack for lazy workers, and that I wanted the assistant manager's position. She told me that she and the district manager have talked about it, and agreed I was overqualified for my current position. I am giving them until the end of September to make good on the promises or I'm out of here. I was looking for a job when I found this one.

J is gone. His company sent him back to where he came from, deciding that they didn't want him here, they needed him there. Just as well. He was too much of a distraction. Someone that I have that much in common with had to be too good to be true anyway.

I have today off, I am setting off to do all the things around the house that R has been promising to do for weeks. I seem to be the one to take up the slack at home, too. I feel like the mother of three kids, instead of two. One of the reasons I have been working 50-60 hours a week: I really just don't want to come home. J told me I was using R, and maybe he's right... Although R never comes through with anything he says he will do, the sex is great, and it's nice to have someone else to cook supper and take care of our son when I need to sleep in the evenings. Like I said, I do love him, and he's fun to be with, but the lack of respect for him bothers me, and not being able to trust his word bothers me too.